Love behind locked doors

Loving someone that doesn't love you, is a tricky thing. To be honest I don't want to love him. At least not like this. . .
It hurts to say hello but it hurts more to say goodbye.
It's a trap, this love. There's nothing he can do that could make this come undone.
If there was a magic potion I could take to make these feelings go away, I would.
But would I regret it?
Sadly I think so.
I will keep this love a secret.
Lock it away so no one can find it. Just take it out when no one is around.
So I can feel this pain alone.

Trusting

How do you trust someone again when they have hurt you so bad to the point where you thought it would be better off then alive? Im trying to figure it out. Its not working to well thought. You want me to open up and here i am in a lot of pain and would love to tell you how im feeling whats going thru my head and you tune me out. How can i believe you when u say you care? When you wont even talk to me? This is not the kind of love i want. I dont want you to say the words i want you to act like you love me. Thats why i havent said it back to you cause i dont feel you understand what "I love you" really means. I still see pictures of your wife, my replacement, on your wall. If it's over why cant you take them down? Im not allowed to talk or hang out with any of my friends yet you can do what ever. This doesn't feel like love. But dont get me wrong im greatful you took me in when no one else would. I owe you a lot for that. But i dont even see happiness in your eyes anymore. Are you going to cast me out like you did to her and me before? When i said it seems like you dont want me here you said nothing. So that has to be true and this all must be a lie. I'm really alone even though we share a bed

Fighting with God

Fighting with God is never easy
once his mind is made up there is nothing you can do
Ive tried screaming how i want him back just to say good bye
just to say thank you and I love you

Steve's memorial was yesterday. I finally met his family (at least the ones i know he cared about). His niece said he saw me has a daughter. And close friends told me how he was worried about me since he hadn't see me in awhile.

But i feel really bad about this. I'm sooo angry with some of the people that went. They talked about Steve as if they were best friends but he would tell me hoe he disliked them. Also where it was help Steve's aunt send money to pay for food afterwards and i bet anything the Manger selled the left overs. its all about making money even if someones dead.
I feel bad that I'm this angry but its part of the grief process. I'm almost to accepts.

I'm also getting a tattoo of Elvis with Steve's name. I think I'm going to have it say In Loving Memory instead of RIP

*I will post a pic of it after i get it this weekend*


But on happy news
Lazer tag today!!!!! going to celebrate mt friends Morgan 21th bday
Nothing better then acting like a 5 year old on your 21th ;)

This is what I'm going to get

Pills and "Love"

They control my every move my every thought every feeling. They control how i treat people
Pills i need them to live in this world
I hate it i cant feel happy at all with out them getting 51/50 twice proved thats
But atleast people told me they love me from those trips. Thats a plus i guess
But i guess not really cause thats the only time i herd them say it and i think it will be the only time
Bla. . .

Ramble ramble ramble

I feel a mixed of things right now but cant seem to be able to get any of it out

Another problem im having his my boyfriend keeps telling me he loves me but i cant say it back. It makes me feel horrible but i guess if i dont say it then its not true and i cant get hurt again. Idk if i could take it. If i cant pay rent then i get kicked out ill have to live on the streets. Idk how i would see him since i will have no way of contacting him and to be honest i think i would be more busy trying to figure out where i would be laying my head at night then trying to contact him
Does this make me a bad girlfriend?
Would i still be his gf if i could never see him or talk to him?
Stuff i hate to think about but its always in the back of my head
If i cant come up with rent ill have no where to go
My mom says she cares but she also put me in this situation and my dad in riverside i also have never lived with him before it would be different . Hes a good man though hes paying for me to go to school so i would have to stay in the area to go to school.

Steves funeral is in a couple days im worried idk how well i would be able to handle it. I still dont want to believe hes gone. Now i wished i told him I love him before he left.

Hunger Games

*fyi going from movie not book*
Just got done watching the movie and yes im watching it again as i write. It had me wondering what is the writer trying to say everyone dies or feels pain during war or is this a way to not have war? If each country gave 2 people to fight to the death would this be a better place? Imagine if we did that. . .
Wr would only deal with one person a year with pts instead of thousands in the world going crazy killing their love ones and those around them
"Star cross lovers" idk if Romero and Juliet would agree. Maybe a sick love triangle. "Yes i love you but im really just using u so i dont die myself" i think she knew they wouldnt let them both die
I guess it more reminds me of Lord of the flies more child against child trying to survive. Still dont fully understand the point of the games.
To anyone who does read this i promise to read the book asap and report back to you maybe i learn some more plus the books are always better then the movie

And remember May The Odds Be Ever In Your Favor

Love Me Tender

Well i didn't want to start my blog this way but life comes and goes all the time. I want to scream at death to bring back people but it just doesn't work like that. My friend Steve passed away last Sunday. I never got to thank him for all the things he has done for me. I don't think he knew then how much he meant to me but i know he knows now. Steve and I shared a love for Elvis. He would tell me stories about how he meet The King himself a couple times and even mailed him free tickets to see him Vegas. The weird thing on the Sunday he passed away i couldn't get the song "Love Me Tender" out of my head. I feel he was trying to say good bye to me. Also my laptop decided to turn off when i first started to write this post and right when i was saying why i titled this the way I did the song "love Me Tender" came on. A bit creepy but not at the same time. Steve and my relationship start when i start working at a coffee shop. He would come in every morning get a small coffee (black) and sit do the crossword while smoking his cigs. And soon we start talking even after i quit that job i would get up early just to go there to see him. I spent hours listening to his life story. (There were some crazy ones too!) But the ones that made be a better person were the ones about his kids. They were never around so i would go on holidays and spacial days to sit with him and keep him company. He would also give me advise about my own Father and I who I hadn't seen in years. Because of Steve's stories I'm getting closer to my Dad. I owe that to Steve. I kind of saw Steve as a Dad because he would give me those "parent" talks. I miss him so much. But i know hes watching over me. I wish i could see him one more time to say good bye. I love you Steve and every time I listen to Elvis I will think of you and when we sat listening to his songs while smoking and drinking coffee.

My friend also died a couple months ago and his Uncle wrote this poem after he found out Casey died and i cant get it out of my head so I'm going to put it here

Relax it is me don't be tense, Yeah it's really me,

I'm with you now forever by your side. I'm with you every

moment, every step and every stride

Yeah, I made a decision that was written in stone, a decision

to protect you and to promise you will never be alone. I

know your heart is heavy and this seems too much to bear,

but don't give up, don't you even dare. i know you're

only reading words, not hearing my voice, but trust

that I'm with you now as it was my choice

A man told me that I had a big decision to make. I was

still pinching myself, rubbing my eyes, I couldn't tell if

what was happening was either real or fake. In that

moment a gift was given to me, a gift to be your

protection day in and day out, to watch your back

and show you confidence when in doubt

For every breath you take, every move, every

moment you're awake, in your dreams, in

these words, a promise I vow to never break

I don't hurt anymore. I only understand

and want to show you how, I want you

to trust and believe that I'm with you

now